The Hobbit

They exist and although some have grown in size and stature, they seem to still reside in the woods. Hobbits that is. I have a dear friend that has bravely entered into the world of online dating and through this brave act met a Hobbit (his reference to himself, NOT hers. That would be the first hint something is not quite right though, yes?). The problem with evolution is they aren’t as easily recognizable as the one’s from Tolkien’s time, but much like any person (Hobbit?) give them a little bit of time… and they will always present their, umm let’s say true selves? In this particular instance after a couple months of dating, his ‘natural’ tendancies started to reveal themselves… most readily.

Interestingly enough Hobbits seem to have nasty passive aggressive attitudes when feeling insecure and find their best way of dealing with these feelings is to consult the… trees? You heard me, the TREES! In his final rant of how he would not relinquish himself to the constraints of society and relationships, the TREES told him she was not the girl for him and to stay true to his roots.(I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself… pun intended) So it goes to show, big or small, wierd comes in all sizes.

Double Dipping

Hey, has anyone figured out the protocol on dating and dipping? Dipping being the sexual annointment of one’s date. You technically aren’t in a relationship yet, but the sexual tension was so thick, you decided to cut it with the bodily knife. I believe it to be a danger issue, both physical and emotional that is best discussed to avoid the ‘double dip’. You don’t want to enjoy the ‘cocktail’ dip, when someone else was has just been there and done that, do you?

I know when I was a little girl I got my hand slapped when attempting to reimurse my carrot into the ranch dip after taking a bite, so why would sex be any different? And ladies, you HAVE to ask. The days of assumptions are long gone, why I even have a friend who requested the necessary paperwork before allowing him to enjoy her accoutrements. Love your body enough to ask, before you let someone else enjoy your savoury delights because you never know where the ‘carrot’ has previously been…if you know what I mean.

The One-Two

I am sure most, if not all people can share a moment in time when life has kicked them squarely in the pants, or my personal horror, delivered the one-two. Strike one hits you squarely in the ass, sending you floorward and strike two, right in the kisser when you’re down. Now everyone has their own personal, let’s call it, belief system to aid them through these challenging times. Rationalisations can run the gamut from, ‘what’s the lesson here to be learned?’ to ‘be stronger in your thoughts of intention.’ a.k.a in some universal way this is your fault or you had it coming. Everything happens for a reason right? Well, I call bullshit. I hate to upset the masses, or maybe I can just be comfortable in my own revelation, but life just kicks you in the teeth sometimes for just that reason, to kick you in the teeth. You can not will something into happening or not happening, it is just that simple.

Now what you do after getting the one-two, is entirely up to you and that is where the lessons lie. Where intent is your friend and you find out what you really are made of. Entering into my 36th year (yes, it is now 36 and trying because god knows I’m trying!), life has provided me with a new perspective. I will make what I want out of this life god damn it, and have made the firm decision to remove my proverbial gloves and giving it a royal run for its money. Ding ding!

The Ex Factor

When it comes to matters of the heart no one is really talented. We either get too wrapped up in someone or not enough, hang on, let go, play the game or don’t know the rules, but the one thing I have found to be consistent across the board with both men and women, is the emotional difficulty of dealing with the ex. Once your relationship has ended you may choose to pretend it never happened or try the ‘friend’ thing, but either way interaction is never easy… without a LOT of counseling (you decide who). It’s not so much the, not being together that people find the hardest, it’s the seeing THEM being with someone else. I have yet to hear of anyone dealing well with this situation regardless of how their ‘being’ ended. Happy, sad or mad it always is tough to deal with the ‘them moving on’ part.

This in particular becomes dicey in a small town because the ‘moving on’ to someone else part is staring you right in the face, or your told about it when you are picking up your morning coffee (people can be so thoughtful), possibly worse is they are in the line ahead of you. Emotional armor abounds in small towns, so does the rebound. (Note to reader- avoid the rebound, emotional destruction imminent therefor creating future relationship disfunction chain reaction) Now I’m not suggesting you walk around like an exposed nerve, but if everyone grew up a bit, tried out their sensitivity chip and were respectful, then maybe, just maybe the ex wouldn’t be a factor.

Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

Where have all the good men gone? Seriously, where? They don’t make men like they used to anymore and I am referring to how they were built physically and mentally. Nowadays we have gay straight men, metros, chic geek, players, the good guy, the bad boy… the list goes on. Why all the terminology, how about just MAN, or how about be one? I recently was watching a feature on a film and the casting director was complaining about the same problem, here’s a woman with access to hundreds of ACTORS and she had a hell of a time finding a man!

Remember the leading men of yesteryear? Gregory Peck, Carey Grant, Burt Lancaster, Sean Connery, and Steve McQueen….sigh. Where the hell have those kind of men gone?! The ultimate man of all time in my books, in stature and character? Paul Newman. They just don’t seem to make them like him anymore. Guys seem to look less like men, strong, tall, noble creatures, and more closely resemble well… girls. Overdone, over coiffed, blinged out, light weights, or the pendulum swings so far the other way you are lucky to get them to form a coherent sentence, never mind get them to take a bath. What gives?!

Now it may be location, but thus far my dating experiences and just my day to day visual entertainment has made me wonder… where HAVE all the good men gone?

Talk Is Cheap

I have come to notice that the level of dirty talk in the bedroom has increased substantially. Actually, the decibel level has started to become a dull roar. I’m not alone in noticing this, I have had several girlfriends bring up this ‘give it to me mama’ issue. Surprisingly men don’t seem to feel comfortable vocalizing their inner talking dirty persona until past the age of  30, so when women hit their sexual prime, men it would seem are hitting their VERBAL sexual prime… who knew?! I wonder how many of them really mean it or enjoy it truly, or did some guy out there have sex with some errant woman who professed her love for hearing ‘you like it like that’ with an ass slap thrown in for good measure and then told all of his buddies ‘women LOVE this’? Like some bizarre talk dirty urban legend? Hey, don’t get me wrong if the mood and your partner are game then yell at er’, but sometimes talk is just that… cheap.

Just Banged Susie

I have a cautionary tale of technology back fire and poor sexual manners. Recently a girlfriend of mine (we will call her ‘Susie’ to protect her identity and NO this isn’t something that happened to me…yet.) Susie had just started seeing a guy and after a couple of dates, had their first tete a tete (sex people, sex). Enjoyable enough, after said romp and tussle, the new guy headed home….(this is the part where I would insert scary lead up music to forewarn you of impending disaster). Not TWENTY minutes of leaving what would still be a bed warmed by the glow of sex, this guy sends a text that simply read- JUST BANGED SUSIE! Now I know boys will be boys and hey, she’s worth bragging about, but TWENTY minutes after leaving? Should you not wait, oh I don’t know, a day or hey, maybe even until the next time out with the man folk to tell your stories of sexual conquest? Now the really bad, or cosmically funny part (depending on your sense of humor) is that the said Neanderthal needs to read his phone ‘how to’ manual again, because instead of sending the badly timed and classless message to his buddy, he sent it to…. you guessed it, SUSIE! Sadly for him, his ‘Just banged Susie’ days are now over, because believe you and me she IS a catch and self respecting, so no Mulligan for him. Now gentlemen the moral of this story is this, that if you should find yourself so lucky as to share in the bodily delights of fua ‘Susie’, enjoy, keep it to yourself, or at the very least be discreet in your revelry and just maybe ‘Susie’ will BANG you again.

So You Think You Can Date

Well hello there! I had to take a dating pause, due to a poor selection of dance partners (and to save my readership a page full of profanity). Sometimes a person just needs to take a ‘time out’ to really feel the disappointment (or horror in my case), re-evaluate, get that positive attitude back and fill up the chutzpah tank again, before attempting to fill the dating dance card once more. Mine was most recently drained…. by a blind date. Other than being left in a ditch somewhere, I don’t think it could of gone worse. I even entered into the BLIND DATE territory with a positive attitude, my ‘Sure why the hell not’ outlook promptly shot me in the foot… and then in the back… and, well, you get the idea.

Blind dates are really scary territory if you think about it. Not only could you just not be attracted to the individual you have been set up with and be forced to suffer through your date with them, but if it goes really sideways then you have to deal with your feelings towards the ‘set upees’ (you thought I would be a good match for THIS guy!?) if you will, and their feelings towards you (‘What do you mean you didn’t hit it off, what’s wrong with you?!). God, friendships could be lost, social circles damaged, a disaster waiting to potentially happen!! Theatrics aside, it is a tricky dance and mine? Well it was the equivalent to having a dance partner with two left feet, who continually stepped on you AND then proceeded to blame YOU for the dancing debacle! Ugly, just plain ugly. So You Think You Can Dance of the dating world gone horribly wrong is what it was.

I will survive, and after my much needed dating pause, I’m ready to get back in there and shake my bon bon. Tango this!

Life is short, so… WHAT?!

I never cease to be amazed by the new level of low our society can go. I recently discovered a dating site (and I use this term VERY loosely) that caters to the person already IN a relationship. Yup, you heard me right, the morally unbound now have a site where they can go specifically to find someone to cheat on their significant other with, OR browse for their next ‘relationship’ (again loosely used term) while still IN their existing one!! Get this, their tag line is ‘Life is short, have an affair at AshleyMadison.com.’ OMG.

It is one thing for people (again loosely used term in this circumstance) to use the online dating system to cheat, but now we have a site that helps them do it? Sad, very sad. I wonder what the site’s privacy settings are like? Can you imagine doing a profile search while holding your breath and waiting to see if your partner’s face appears on screen? Awful and so unnecessary. Get some kachungas people, not happy in your relationship? Then DON’T BE IN IT!!! Don’t surf the net for your next potential victim, while leaving plenty in your wake. The level of disfunction I have met is now all starting to make perfect sense to me. Life IS short, so have a meaningful relationship, be authentic and DON’T visit ashleymadison.com. Don’t worry, Ashley will get hers.

Domestically Disabled

It’s amazing how things have changed. I was talking to a date on the weekend and discussing that I’m not a ‘good on paper’ kind of gal ( I bet that WON him over!). I would have died hungry and alone if I was single during the 50′s, due to the fact I am domestically disabled. Not only do I not cook, I really don’t enjoy the process at all and have no lurking desire to learn. Now I have attended cooking classes, but it mostly consisted of me wandering around with a wine glass in hand, tasting every other class mates creations and offering enthusiastic ‘well dones!’ and ‘oh that’s good!’ and not actually cooking anything. I am proud to say I have achieved this particular feat of cooking avoidance in a cooking class several times, so I do have talent just not in the cooking arena. Now don’t get me wrong I LOVE food and the food experience, just don’t ask me to make you anything… unless of course you desire to feel ill or greatly disappointed. Enthusiastic guest? Check. Dinner party host? Not so much, but that’s what catering is for, is it not?

I do have a couple of culinary cards up my sleeve. I can create an amazing spread for brunch (eggs I have discovered do NOT require a lot of talent), and I can make one mean Italian pasta dish, but beyond that …nada. So much for the ‘a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.’ Hold on a minute… is THAT why I’m still single? Domestic bliss? I’m more along the lines of a domestic miss.